The rooms we're in
I.
I always wanted to help others, I always thought I should give back, I should put my best forward, and regardless of the shape im in...
I'm convinced i can do some good, though the path Ive been is not sustainable.
When everything around feels like an attack? ow do you concentrate? how do you reconcile with that?
I want to graduate, I dont know anymore if that means here...
A Vacation.
Sure thats obvious- have a break, take it easy, look away for a moment and land back where you were feeling rest. But when does that stop working? when does the reset, feel not even close to enough and the forces that drove you out, the energy that steered you away in the first place come back hummming and buzzzing like summer cicadas- begging you to crash right back into misery.
What are you supposed to do when it feels like too much? What are you supposed to do when struggling with medical costs, and social barriers in the in the educational environment that would be the thing that drove you out of that same poverty.
I have a lot of thinking to do. Good thing, that vacation will lend towards that.
II.
In the woods, you have a lot less concrete, and for the time being- these are not woods I want to get out of, Im quite literally using these woods to help me get out of the other woods, the rivers here are helping my mind go faster, and sometime there comes a wave absolute tears, running like them. I can feel myself on the cusp of discovery, I can feel myself moving here, feeling this water on my feet, feeling for the first time a sincere lack of danger, a distance from constantly assesing threats that have fucked with my brain so hard that it has been destroying the bite that I have come to be known for.
I am not a giver upper, I usually tend to my wounds as I multitask survival, As I walk forward. Its naive, its silly, but all the same its always met with " you are so strong"- now god do I hate being called strong, Its a devilish mix between dysphoria and a distate for the super fucking corny.
But I sit on this rock in water bare naked with only one tohught " I have to be here". I said to myself at that moment, I could give up my dreams to be here- I have never felt that. That is an ultimate peace, a definitive left turn to how I always have been. A thought like this is too dangerous for me.
I am not that stupid- I mean, financially, historically, romantically, plus several thousands of other beautiful self judgmental reasons, I can come up with I am very stupid, but Im not stupid enough to just pack up and go with nothing?
or am I?
III.
I am sitting on the couch watching the sun come up, Last night was my game changer. FOr the first time I felt community- true- real- interconnectedness.
I felt like I was loved as who I have always felt as I am.
I felt wanted, heard, listened to, attended towards- well beyond invited.
I found home in this place, I found a sense of familiarity with the people.
I havent stopped crying, I am completely in love with what this means. People that might give a fuck about me?
thats a potential I know, a potential that is warm and welcoming and overwehlming.
" You need to be here" she , her and all the 4 dolls said that night, I had been somewhat consumed by this. How these women saw my hurt, werent judgmental, werent off put so far that I could be instantly rejected, but I was welcomed to visit at work, to go back to a bonfire.
That night felt like a homecoming.
IV.
My time in northampton however short, was the happiest I have been In a year.
They say its the rooms that we are in, I am not who I have been, and I am not who I will be. I must thank the ones who keep me up but my crutches on my internal drive to keep going here doesnt seem to make sense.
When something calls, you listen.
To massachusetts, no matter what it takes
I dont know when, but
I'll be home soon.