vanity via a true disconnection
intro
Im learning to interact with men, as a woman, I once knew what It meant to be the one who desperaely sought to be understood even if that was manipulation...
so why does vodka fix a cold?
I
You are presented with a problem, its not unfamiliar, your brain begins its stew, adding ingredients for you like they are spewing out of Rachel Rays mouth directly from the tv screen on 30 minute meals watching the Food Network back in 2006.
Sick days often feel like this, like the ones spent with mom because school would be too heavy for the common cold. We arent made to be still, the day quil immobilizing our bodies, could it be the 10% alcohol content- yes actually.
The rest does help, as does the rest; soup (campbells chicken noodle), steam showers that peel bathroom paint, dog hair on your hoodie after finding warmth with a dog that does more for the day off than the antibiotics ever will.
The hazy feeling kicks in, its not unfamiliar...
II
Over the last decade, I've seen love in a few shapes and thankfully none of them remind me of the love my parents so eloquently couldn't provide me beyond soup days...except maybe the whiplash against my self esteem.
I experiment romantically, sexually and dynamically, its nothing to crazy, after all, I am queer and its not the most insane to think that options are available. It can be heavy to wrestle with the balance of being a whore or someone who has enough to share.
I really enjoy meeting people and what they deem as important, relevant or medicore. Though recently my affinity towards an incalculable teribbleness does continue to be the problem I struggle the largest with.
why is it so easy to be neglected, manipulated and then turned down?
III
Its a little painful to have this come to the front of my brain, affirming but personally its an important milestone.
have I beome so far removed from manhood that I am suspetable to its tricks?
Now; mostly this isnt center around a specific man just men in general, My list of encounters-- it's lengthy.
Though, I must not forget that part of this whole transexualization has been a tremendous deadlift of therapy. Sooo, It is possible to say I have become distant from the needs and wants, the motives, the tricks that men employ to gain power, to tie the trust, to
get what they want.
IV
I wasn't always like other men, most exes thought/think so (to some degree).
The norms of men confuse me, the mannerisms, the interests, the narratives, its not easy to pick up and very often-im wrong (at the very least we still share that.)
But I am not one to shy from alcohol for unwinding, becoming, mustering, feeling.
but my sexuality doesnt prioritize men, at least not often ennough to be signficant in most scenarios to lend towards comphet or worse, love.
Fortunately, I know my limits, but some are meant to be broken, while other tend to be more frail...
conclusion
But these are what make men hungry for me, sexually or otherwise
a goal that could only ever be created by a woman, who knows what men desire.
A goal that can only be discussed through the years of alcohol that has laid me in bed.
only this time its netflix, and not cable cooking shows.
and good thing im not largely for men...
