please be kind, rewind: the crisis.
the following is my 2018 comning out letter...
Crisis:
When will I ever stop masquerading as something I do not feel? When does the moment I touch the sky become what is real? When do I unearth the lies and begin to heal? When do I realize who I am is not the whole deal? When do I unzip completely from what once was a seal?
How do I begin to pick apart the peel?
Over the course of the past two years I have promoted this concept. This innate ideal that I am not whole. This raw thought of what should, and could I be?
How do I blend myself elegantly? How do I blend in? Do I even want to blend in?
I must want some luxury of fitting in. I spent most of my school life trying to fit in until I realized I could not. But I tried anyway.
Am I a sin? Did I deserve being raped? Do I present authentically? Do represent the truth I preach? Does my message ever reach? Why does everyone feel like Iβm arguing? I swear Iβm not trying to play devils advocate. Iβm not being combative; you just donβt understand. Thatβs not your fault for not understanding.
Is there something I donβt understand? Iβve always been able to see both sides. But why do I ever rarely change my mind at all?
Do you know how to find the answers? Am I to blind? Both of my parents have cancers. Should I give up this personal fight to be at their sides? Why do my abusers deserve any light?
Are they at fault for the absurd misguidance I needed in my life? Iβm 23 Its time I accept some blame for not just doing this, right? But Iβm stuck in their world not mine. Their rules on my time. Slowly, ever so slowly will this idea die? And the first moment I become what they need will my future dissolve? How do I solve this in a new light?
I need to make my parents proud, they always tried to do me right. They tried me in soccer- I would fight. They tried me in band camp- I would cry. They tried me in a play- I failed but they said thatβs okay. They tried me in basketball- my height got the best of me. Baseball too, too weak for the bat. Fuck lacrosse I wasnβt even dude bro for that. Track, yes Track, let me try that. Hold on get addicted cigarettes so donβt do track. Fall in love with a girl down the road 3 or 4 girls 3 or 4 different roads. My voice dropped before chorus would hold. Listen to the music you would wish to compose, now try but donβt forget about those Who would say look at the joke who cannot hold a damn note?
Watch your friends die, they didnβt try that. They ignored that.
Date a boy? Or a a few? They didnβt try that. They ignored that. They donβt even know that.
They ignored the bullies, no matter how bad. If it became themselves, they pointed back and also laughed. I have a hard time dealing with that. I should be cutting my wrists to pretend Iβm ignoring all those facts.
Hold on replace that. Weed? (weβll get back to that) Xanax? Check. Cocaine? Check? Molly, k2, PCP, heroin? Ok go for that. Why do I have wait for the 27 club, what the fuck is that?
Pause, breathe, relax. Try to keep yourself intact. You have one more year left of high school. Meet the best friends of your life. next year youβll go berserk when you shake your head, finally get sober, then get cheated on by the girl you tried over and over to win over until it was over. Maintain a few jobs, go to a few colleges, fall for a few guys a few more girls start to accept yourself and move on.
Finally have time to think back. What did I miss but need now through all that?
2006? you played in that play pretend doll house with your friends, fake cooking bread. Slept over playing the Barbie game snuck over in a Hot Wheelβs box to save grace. 2010? Okay let the cross dressing begin. Pause 2014-2016 for more rage. Resume 2018. Go to school meet some temp friends some hook ups also again Come to think of it from 2010-2018 how many crushes did I have? Do I know where to begin? 2019 fall in love with the first real love. Real love. Actual love.
I can accept myself again from within Flexible self, soft skin. Do I know who I am? Am I just biting time again?
I know what I am Who I am�
Iβve just been terrified to admit Because being called βitβ scares me enough To not piss when / I sit. And being brought up so aggressive is hard for friends to even forfeit. My interests are my interests. My attitude is mine. But I am not who I am with.
I will fill in that line when I know what ones to draw. Right now, Iβm letting the non-binary label thaw. First, I need to crawl before I walk.w, Iβm letting the non-binary label thaw. First, I need to crawl before I walk.
Iβm not my birth name and Iβm a fucking woman.