Terminator Pinball (fair warning, this is rough)
No one ever prepares you for the feeling you get once estrogen consumes you into full womanhood. One day you begin injections, the next day its been years since the first time you ever wore makeup.
Its exactly how you would imagine it, regardless of the tragedies that brought you here.
Because, lets be real, being a woman is hard work.
What else , could possibly go wrong?
Most people consider much of the tales of of my past as just that,
"too much for 15 years to really have been true"
Wow good for you that your life has cultivated around being
so fucking boring
and idealistic around special interests, like board and video games and repeated rhetoric from vines, favorite youtubers and tiktoks.
I found myself outside more growing up.
Exploring, engaging and being rejected all the same.
I haven't ever been one to be truly self loathing, more aspiring and inspiring.
I think you would find that truthful about myself.
Deep care, shitty attitudes, stupid wasteful tactics and not enough tact.-unapologetic. more ick than tact.
where has the time gone?
~Example 1~ August 2007 (adjusted & extracted from childhood journal)
The Royal Atlantic is our familys choice of hotel-For as long as I can recall.
The trip takes two hours in the tahoe, to get to montauk, accompanied by Eminem, Nickelback, Green Day, A migraine, A burger at Johns Drive In and pit stop at the variety stores :Whiteys, The Up and Down Store, A little bit of Everything, Fudge N' Stuff.
Dad always jokes about taking the long way or the bumpy way.
This was the bumpy way.
Our parents both mine and my friends , enjoyed decades of dinners at the fancier montauk restaurants as well as the more common ones. Often, My parent put me in the care of my friend, he wasn't much older, but my older brother was too busy picking up girls on the beach, lighting fires and serenading his way from family dinner obligations.
My twin would find himself sick on this day of the trip and wouldn't be joining us for the night.
At 12, youd expect my tolerance to be short, two bud lites and I wasn't even close to sober.
Thats when touched , raped me.
I never got over this, I still would go to montauk.
I still would play pinball in the lobby/gameroom of Royal Atlantic
_
This was the first time I can recall being raped, but it wasnt the last.
every next person who raped me, took my childhood away, ripped piece by piece, bit by bit, i became lost
My most recent of the several assaults, 16 years later.
In late June of last year, I faced a choice: fight for fight for what I had, search for what I needed, and some wildcards. Only some of those wildcards fared well for me, but what changed my perspectives on survival was a night no one was ready for. This was the night I was raped for the first time as a girl- it was the first time I was treated and destroyed in my makeup, dress, heels, and perfume. With my body bleeding against a rusted fence, I didn't know if I was going to survive.
I kept repeating, "I'm all I have and all I need."
being a woman is hard- but I would rather tragedy in doc martens...
the goal of pinball, isnt just survival, its keeping the high score.
no matter how much work it takes.
you get there. or you dont.
but fuck if i dont try.
survive, then thrive.