becoming the cunt megaphone
Theres something in me that refuse to be quiet, to give up to say " its time to let go".
I wont fucking do that, I am capable, i dont understand it, but i know i believe in all of my bitterness, my rage , my childhood, my future, my ambition,
Im doing something, Im a professional "not giver upper"
Everytime I lay still staring at my ceiling, biting the top of my pen, as I read through my text.
in my brokenness, I know i have to do this. I dont care what it does to me.
I am capable of something extraordinary, its so deep, I am digging out every word, every scenario, that I know I can do it.
Its not an accident, I keep going, I improve, sometimes its slow, sometimes i dont see it, sometimes im so lost in myself that the refusal to change is the only propeller to keep going, because I crave consistency, I crave respect not understanding.
So I cling, not tot he past , not the exes, not the old friends, I cling to what i know- myself, its never a consistent version of myself its the ambition and preparation of whats next.
I am chaotic, unpredictable, immature, until im peaceful, calm and old.
who cares what happens?
this is the only time this will ever happen to me-every. single .time.
I dont disregard the insanity my body has gone through, I dont, think im working to success, im working as hard as i can so a girl like me ten years from now, can see a future, not the light.
We are constantly criticized, overworked, too much seen and at the same time not seen at all.
Im not awful, im not stupid, im a girl who is finally learning in her last year of her 20s the same fucking things the girl next to me learned at 17.
Its in my genes to be a powerful person. its impossible to let go of the dream because without a dream, i am compassless, not compassionless.
because no one in their right mind would be a woman with all of the hardships of women, still do it voluntarily, love it, cherish it carry it, hold it and show its possible to others. Even if the news wants to kill me, even if the girls next to me dont see me but see me but dont know but know they know me.
I didnt get sober because i thought life would get better, i got sober because I didnt think anything should get worse.
I dont give up. I never give up and call it stupid , fine ,tell me to get some rest, im rested, tell me to grow i will fucking grow.
Im not the only one, I just refuse to be quiet.
I will unashamedly become a megaphone.