Jesus Christ, Yes you want to be here.
2018 Flashback.
we just got back from the party, my usual is a Johnnie Walker Double black and Coke. I dont fucking like Jack Daniels, it taste like dog shit. I usually have somewhere between 5 and 10 of these or until the girl I went on a date with will remind to stay hydrated. The air is as cold as any October, and the window is open to remind me its only been 20 minutes since my last cigarette but the next one is already reminding me that the countdown for the next is coming up.
I crawled out onto my roof, laid out my chair, felt the breeze, lit my cigarette, with my own personal johnnie bottle close by. I was absolutely wasted. I looked at the street to see a few of the sorority girls end their night, not without saying goodnight to me.
There are a lot of nights like these, they rinse repeat, rinse repeat rinse repeat. Some nights are memorable but many are forgettable.
She often reminds me to be myself, she wants the authentic me, not this superficial creature I have conjured up that is scarier than whats in store. I cant even think about myself, I have to worry about school, my parents and what I want to do with my life. Its not responsible to be dating right now. I'm damaging myself and her. I am actually disgusting for this, but in love too? A girl who might last. What if the nights end and our skin feels the same? what if its my eyeliner on her.
Its apparent that Im in pain, does she see it? does she need to? what bout her pains? who is she? who does she want be? Can i help her succeed? can i be me without showing my pain? or least it not getting in the way?
How do I love without loving myself?
You realize you are a woman, because the thought begins to consume every thought of you. From the inside out you tear apart who you thought you were. You begin to despise yourself for not realizing it sooner. But the truth is you did realize it, you noticed it through its materializations, the products of womanhood before youre fully enthralled by it and theres no going back
At least that was the case, My story is long, my story has moments where everything and everyone knew who I was before I did, even if i said the damn words first.
Its a truly painful clarity, to really witness yourself, in its entirety, that the years of work- worked. You were never destined to be a man withn issues you were destined to be yourself. But the misery comes first, the illusion it would be ridiculous to assert such a thing. The illusion that life is worth it in subtly, and regret instead of embracement and a mission.
So Get Ready to be treated like uncopyrighted free use public park after dark.
There is no applause where youre going, there is only constant evaluation and reevalutation of your surroundings, who can you be? where can you be? and with who
Some nights will be spent crying, actually to be fair- many nights will be spent crying, with your new spiritual hymnn becoming ever moment of disgusting fetishization, misgendering and then over thinking if you can breach your womanhood into the cis world.
Congrats you hated being a man? well girl do I have news for you- you might hate everything except youself now, if you were an overthinking- get ready for overtime with no fucking extra pay.
But the effort will be worth it.
When I first started this mission, I planned it 15 years ago, then 12 years ago, then 10 years ago, then 8 years ago something clicked.
The group project on making me regret myself was coming into full fruition, no one wanted me to be anything except what i presented as because its who they knew was me. This is still true and solid reminder that you can change at any moment, the comfortability of yourself is not the only core challenge to achieve but only part of the network of issues. For me it seems cyclical, this "rinse and repeat" of habitual becoming, back then it was inebriating myself, now its gearing towards becoming. But only if you had known sooner?
Some girls will be passable, some will be harmed, all will be pretty and the joy will feel rebelious but not only because the world has a huge trucker mouth for you but because you are begining the act of dissolvement.
Soem will find your mere existence suprising, some will find such a thing as blasphemy and you will find yourself. Will you will at the end of every night regardless of who you were , that you are who you are. You might take the route of total reinvention or maybe youll findself in some stages of reintegration. Commonly you will find yourself, it will never end, every day is going to be a test of who you are now and who you will be. This shouldnt be suprising but its scary, its vulnerable, its incredibly powerful.
People will want to understand, to the best they can, but those that served you may not.
Despite all of it, you will show up, in some year, in some place, with some date, with some pain, with some ache, some longing that it will be easier one day, or at the very least more managable.
Everyday you become more thankful to yourself, and less regretful of "not soon enough".
You will live.
You will have a good hair day.
People will get it.
Gone are the nights of drinking and smoking away,
here are the nights of drinking and smoking for it stay.
The earth welcomes you back.
you become the girl in and of your dreams.
it doesnt matter when you let the old version of yourself die.
Do it because tomorrows girls will have what we dont.
because this isnt just transition.
this is your ressurection.
And they will follow.