Begin!
As I pack this dorm room, as I lay my fingers across the hall, the blue painted stones of a room that has been my safe haven for over year. I think about the anxieties that december offers.
Every so often I can feel something inside me, i feel it so deeply that I can't even begin to pinpoint exactly where its coming from, is it my skin, covered in goosebumps? is it my ribs jolting out because my heart is begging for a moment of relief, the cue is ready, time to go.
This is one of those moments
I keep thinking about this thing i said , " I am the center of my life" , Its part a joke, part a revelation and part a self acknowledgment that , I finally can distinguish the distance of the narcissitism verse the self love.
I think a part of adulthood that no one is honest enough about, its not just a softness, its a return to yourself. the frantic, erratic, neurotic and bullshit mindsets, simmer, and you come out on the other end, way more realigned. years of loving so deeply without recognizing what it took from you. you loved but at what cost?
now im halfway between where i have been and where Im going. gearing up towards a lonely december that hopefully doesnt land me throwing up on the corner of the street begging for a fucking moment that I could be free. (and i could be).
In the past week i have had an intense revelation that I might be ready, ready enough for some of the most brave things i will ever do (more on that in a future post).
everything feels like a scene in high school musical where everyone genuinely takes a role to help others. its wildly in tandem, obsurdly nostologic and kind of convoluted but you get the point.
im not running.
im not hiding.
im not spirlaing.
im rebuilding.
School matters, my grades matter, long term friends matter, my new friends matters, my life matters, the girl i kissed last week matters, but no one gets to be the center of this story, not anymore.
I am choosing myself.
I dont know what im looking for , i dont if the hookups fruit into something greater, I dont know if its a slow burn or a slow fizzle, but fuck it we ball.
I dont know the version of myself that shows up in February, or next summer , or 10 years from now.
But what i do know is this, I can care about multiple people without collapsing myself into their lives. I can be committed without disapearing, i can explore without losing my footing, and I can let connection unravel without forcing it to stick together.
Im not avoiding shit, Im commited to clarity, im commited to intentionality, Im commited to my safety, learning to be softer, my ambitions, my body, my self worth, my time, my peace, myself.
This is the first time in years where I dont feel like my life is someone elses to fuck with and i will do everything to make sure im the only one who can blame if shit goes wack.
My hands are still shaking, there is an unease.
but i am unshrinkable.
somewhere wider.
I am the center of my life.
and for the first time i arrive as myself.